One of the most emotional and distressing issues in life is the loss of an adult sibling. Even more so is, if the sibling left before their time, when so much of their life was still ahead of them. Questions such as why or how could this happen keep arising with no known answers. And then, there is the missing space that was the sibling's place in the family.
Adult siblings play an important role in the family dynamics. They are the longest relationship in life. Siblings become our friends; provide companionship, love, and support from childhood through adulthood. Being a sibling creates a unique connection like no other relationship. Sibling support is vital for the strength of each individual sibling. It is shared strength and without it, so is the identity of each remaining sibling. As a result, surviving siblings must relearn to live life, re-establish who they are, what is important in life, and how they relate with others.
Unfortunately, society does not recognize adult sibling loss as significant, leaving bereaved siblings feeling as if their grief is ignored. It is the parents or the spouse of the sibling who is most recognized for the concern of their loss. But the grief that is felt by siblings is very real and sometimes devastating. Adults siblings are assumed the responsibility of care-taking for their parents because of their consumed grief. By doing so, the grief process is put on hold.
Adult sibling loss and grief is profound and impacts life on many levels. The journey can be painful and solitary as siblings learn to cope and understand the loss. Surviving adult siblings call their loss "disenfranchised grief", meaning that society fails to classify their mourning as a legitimate loss. After all, the sibling relationship is as significant in adulthood as it is in childhood. The necessary support to heal is not validated causing grieving siblings to hide their feelings resulting in depression for which many struggle with for years.
Very little is written about this unresolved grief among siblings. Therefore, the purpose and the information needed to give insight on this topic. May it give those who have lost a beloved sibling comfort and solace.
Thank you. I am not going crazy.
ReplyDeleteI lost my brother, Brian 3 years ago in a trucking accident because the company he worked for failed to maintain his brakes and after numerous complaints by my brother they still made him take that truck...telling him...we will fix it when you come 8,he never came back...he lost his brakes and as he tried to save his life and others that day,he tried to slow it down in I gravel ditch bit it was going so fast so he got back out only to swerve to miss an elderly lady in her car,Brian lost 4 out of 6 brakes,took out 175 feet of guardrail and went to his death over a 150 embankment...they say he was gone by the time they got to him but what if there was minutes or seconds that he was alive and scared and no one could help him and with all the injuries that I know he had...was he scared,did he know what was happening, did he ask for his family...but he died alone partially ejected from that mess of a truck...only to see him again in his coffin,where you could see the bruises coming thru the make up...I put my hand on his chest and said I'm so sorry..I wanted him to wake up like it was just a nightmare but that didn't happen and for the first time since my mom died I felt my heart break when my dad said he was gone..it's an incredible yet indescribable pain...it's felt my heart break...nothing has been the same since...3 years...it's will be 4 in August...August 8 at 11:17 was his time of death...and that's where I am...I can't get by it...I can't or won't forget him or remove pics of him as long as I see him he's still here...no I'm not crazy just heartbroken...I miss him and I wish he could talk to me..I go to his grave and cry, he's buried right below my mom..she died in my house when hospice,my aunts and my 2 brothers and I were taking care of her...she died August 27 2007 at 9:26 am right after my youngest left for school...then Brian died 4 years later same month just weeks apart...I miss them
ReplyDeleteHello, I saw the poem below posted on a site devoted to sibling loss. I found that website several years ago and it was a revelation for me in coping with the loss of my sister. I am upset now that I cannot find that website any more. It had pages devoted to the loss depending on your age when you lost your sibling and all the changes in normal life stages that you might go through. If anyone can find that site again, please post it here! It was such an excellent resource. It was written by a woman who I think is a psychologist. I do hope she has support to keep maintaining the website.
ReplyDelete